who i need god to be

I need God to wrap Her arms tightly around me. To say that she sees everything that has hurt and is hurting me and to come in. To protect me first, to heal me second, and make sure that never happens again third. 

I need God to have lived and loved, and been so loved, so that she can let me live, and can love me, show me how to be loved, and make sure that I am. 

I need God to know when I am sad, and to see me, and come down to me and raise me up to Her. I need her to value every part of me, as she values every part of herself. I need her to let my messy parts be just as loved as the parts that look good to her, look like her. 

I need God to be different than me, and to love our differences just as fiercely as She loves our connections. I need Her to teach me that my own two feet are the best two feet for me. That my body is sacred at every moment and in every form and shape. To be proud of it.

I need Her to love me. To show me that by loving Herself first. To show me how to water my garden from the viewpoint of her own beautifully watered soil. 

I need God to be messy and flawed Herself. I need Her to show me that the whole life is the goal. That the lived life is what is important. I need her to be a fierce fighter, and a warm, gentle lover, and achingly funny and a filled to the full cup of emotions, felt, acknowleged, honored. Expressed. 

I need my Mama God to hold me. To see that I am treated differently, and to be sad and mad about that. To teach me to take care of myself because of that. To encourage and support me to run towards healing and community with the fierceness and commitment I give to my own dreams. 

I need Mama God. I need her to be a sacred space to Herself, holding every piece of herself wholly, holy. I need her to teach me to be that to myself. I need Her to be that for me. I need to be able to call me home to myself without shame, with tenderness, and grace. I need to feel Her grace, and bask in the grace She gives Herself. 

I need Her to teach me how to be open and safe and beautiful and free and powerful and connected. I need Her to call the highest good out of me, and help me to see and be Her. 

I need Her to love me so much, I feel her arms around me in everyway. I need Her to hold me. 

My God is a Black Mother. My God, my Black Mother.